It all started innocently enough. I was running around Windhlem scoping out the great real estate in the area when I saw a little girl selling flowers, Sofie. Aw. I spoke to her and her sad story came pouring out. Oh you poor thing, selling flowers, and dead parents. The humanity. Here, let me buy all of your flowers. I can’t just leave her here, can I? Imagine my delight when the dialogue option popped up to adopt her. What? You want to live with me? I quickly went back to my Breezehome abode and converted the Alchemy lab into a child’s room. Oh it has two beds! That means I must have more! I shall become the Pied Piper of all of the cities lost or forgotten children. I will buy more houses and have more kids. I can save them all. Fuck it, lets get some stray dogs. Fuck missions, lets turn this into The Sims.
I showered Sofie in sweet rolls and all of the apples she could want. I saved for another house to be able to have more kids. Two kids? No, we need an army of children. Sofie gave me gifts and swept up the house, it was fantastic. She was grateful and called me mommy. It was refreshing to have someone excited to see me instead of my companion Lydia’s shitty attitude all of the time. Yeah, I am wearing the Amulet of Mara, Lydia. No, I am not going to marry you. You only carry my burdens because you are sworn to LYDIA. You say it all of the time and honestly its off putting.
Then my world changed. I got attacked by a vampire in my own hometown no less. I was bitten before I even knew what was going on. I had come close to contracting vampirism before when people out on the road tried to flag me down. I knew it was a trap. Horses don’t get flat tires… I am not stopping.
After the scuffle with the vampire, I was in denial. Bodies littered the ground, I looted them, and sold all of their possessions except their clothing. Nothing was wrong. (rocks back and forth) I killed the vampire who bit me and I have a cure potion ready to go. I just need to finish a few things before I get to curing myself. Then on the third day, I changed. My face became sunken in, I had a blood lust, my skin was fucking blotchy. I knew… I had to feed and this time cabbage soup was not going to fulfill my needs. I snuck into a Jarl’s quarters, told Lydia to wait. I don’t want her to see me like this. I fed and it was easy. Too easy. I needed more. More. I equipped my vampire robes; the one with the boobs out.
I was dressed like the part. If you can’t fight it, and if you were too lazy to cure it, then join them… That’s when I thought of a plan. That’s when things got dark. I have two beds in my house. I need to get another child and will keep them there as blood bags. Oh god what was I saying? I hurried to Whiterun. I have never traveled so fast, it was fast travel. I swung open the door of Breezehome. Yes Sofie, I am home. Yes Sofie, I have a gift for you. God, you are getting needy. I felt sick at the thought of feeding from her while she slept. I decided to step out to get some air. Wandering out into the night, I walked the streets looking for another option for blood. Fate intervened, and I met another child, Lucia. She also wanted to be adopted. Ok Lucia, ok. You have no idea what fresh hell you are walking into. I sent my girls to bed and waited… I snuck up on them, crouched above their beds and fuck! You can’t feed off of your children? What is the point?!
It’s been a few days since then. I have come to my senses, because there will always be napping Whiterun guards to nibble on. With a heavy heart, I found out that you can only adopt two little mouth breathers. You all look like clones anyway. The last nail in my dream coffin was hammered in.
I have been thinking maybe I should go get a dog, since my children are apparently heartless and never bring one home. Bring home any pet Lucia, Sofie. I will let you keep a crab or even a skeever! Maybe it’s for the best that you can’t feed on your children. I went days without feeding and my powers increased. Oh, I can make myself invisible. I heard whispers that there is a child orphanage. Think of all of the blood, I mean charity I could do there. Maybe I will sneak in, maybe.